I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
