we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
you had me at cake vodka
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
