You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
