he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
