this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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