My girlfriend figured out who you are.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
