you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
