We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
