I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
