Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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