tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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