I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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