I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
