oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
