i just wanna soil my oats bro
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
