At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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