She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
