I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
