I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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