I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You were trust falling into bushes
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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