why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
