please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
