Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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