I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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