He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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