Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
