i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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