Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
