my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
