Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
