We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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