too bad you live with your parents still
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
