I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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