the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
