did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
