Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
