Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
