k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
