I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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