My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
