I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
