hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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