he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
