apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Two words: nipple clamps
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