Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
worst night to have a conscience
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize