We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
