I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
