If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
