I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
