so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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