i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
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