After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
