She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
