my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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