We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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