when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
