i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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