U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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