I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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