I'm so fucking centered right now
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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