the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
